The past few weeks have been really good for me. Suddenly, it seems as though everything is falling into place--my life here is emerging from its protective chrysalis and becoming something. Before, nothing I did here, none of the daily routine, felt like I was living it. It was all a dream, a surreal, boring dream. Inexplicably, it suddenly all feels real. Here and now, fast and unrelenting. It's better this way. For months, I was unable to feel anything. I tried and tried to feel something: joy at being here, comfort in friends, self-assurance that I wasn't just pissing time away, waiting to get back to the U.S. But I was numb, I think perpetually in the shock of living somewhere unfamiliar. Maybe I was a little depressed. I'm not entirely sure, now that I think of it.
But now, it's as if I've suddenly shed an old skin. I am so much more aware and in the middle of everything, rather than an outsider looking in at someone else's life. And I enjoy everything so much more. My friends, the streets, the rides on the Bahn. Eating cheese on toast and drinking cup after cup of coffee, watching movies in German and seeing shows in Köln, the music humming through my spine in that way I love. Walking alone, all alone, with only my thoughts for company.
After six months, this country finally feels like home, like I can trust it.
this feeling seems so familiar to me from february. that was really the turning point for me too, when I felt like i was really living in germany as a person and not just a visitor.
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